Tuesday, December 21, 2004
What's playing : 'I Want To Spend My Lifetime Loving You'
Tuesday morning..after such a long time, i cried..slept at 5 plus yesterday, almoz 6, & was awakened by MM' sms at almoz 9 juz now..& i can't seem to stop crying now..drip..drip..drip..tears r flowing like waterfalll..gonna tell y..
Neways..before lesson proper, i'm juz gonna briefly blog wat's happening..Sunday nite before MM slept, we were chatting on the fone..for about one hour i guess..it was about W..again..haiz..where the hell did W go huh?..fuck her!..she's like..argh!!!..
After those serious talk, i tried to lighten things up by asking him to sing..he did cheer up when i kept commenting on his voice..hee..then he dedicated that 'Belaian Jiwa' song to me.. =)
Not gonna elaborate on wat we chatted about, but before we put down, he thanked me alot of times for the card & told me he reali reali appreciate wat i haf done for him all these while..he told me to love him for wat he is, saying he love me & miss me too..
I read sis' blog the other day, about whether guys reali meant it when they say out those words that we gerls reali seriously 'treasure' when it's said by the person they love..hmmm..'i love you..'?..'i miss you..'?..haiz..
Today went to meet Zaa & bro at skool then proceeded to Causeway to haf our dinner..i was smsing MM all the way..but they weren't smses of "loving you's" or "missing you's"..it was serious talk thru out..
It started wif him who wrongly send a message to W, that was acheli meant for me..*bang wall*..it was a close shave he didn't address me as 'Dear' or 'Rara' huh..*phew*..in that sms meant for me, he asked me, y did the hell W treat him like this?..it has been 3 days since she called or sms him, & furthermore, she didn't reply any of MM's smses sia..like fuck sia this bitch..haiz..
He told me that he's gonna gif her time till this Christmas..if she still hasn't contact him yet, that's it, they r over..this shows that he reali reali love her..*sob sob*..i told him never ever let a girl pull his whole being down..& he replied, saying mebe he shud juz move on..
I got back home & before i cud sms him to inform him, he aredi messaged me asking where i was..then from then on . . . . .
Him : Where u?
Me : I juz reached home..about to message u..wat u doing?
Him : Lying down..tinking wat the fuck is W*** doing..
Me : Oh my god..juz now when u called her, she reali didn't pick up the call or u juz let it rang for a while?
Him : I let it rang once only..donoe lah..this has never happened before..
Me : U want me to call her?..if she picks up, i tell her that u haf been frantically trying to contact her but to no avail ah..i reali pity u seeing u like this..
Him : Nvm la..it's ok..it will make matters worst i tink..nvm..i tink she's dead..after fucking too many guys..(gasp)
Me : Huh..wah kaoz..y u say like that seh..cheer up leh..if u noe she's not worth it, musn't brood over it lah..fated i guess..u will get a better gerl huh..
Him : But atleast reply my messages ah..she's like one dumb person, dowan to reply my messages..& she made me wait for her messages like one doll..
Me : How i noe seh..haiz..i myself is having a headache..aaaaa..haiz haiz haiz..
Him : It's juz my luck..
Me : Hmm..a lot of gerls r after u..its her loss lah..
Him : Haiz..where was i wrong seh?..i haf been truthful to her seh..
Me : Wat wrong did i do too?..i've oso been truthful to u too..but u still go to W***..it's the same..it's juz not ur fault..mebe u 2 r not fated?..only God noes..evrything happens for a reason..it's part of destiny..
Him : Tanx dear..mebe W*** n M***** never existed..
Me : But u cannot assume..cos u donoe wat's happening at her side..who noes she lost her hp?..her parents confiscated her hp?..
Him : Her hp is on..wat the hell rite..3 consecutive days u noe..don't tell me she went hospital?..she's dead i guess..
Me : Ok..let's juz view it this way..if she reali dowan to contact u anymore..heck..so be it..like u said, pardon me, W*** can juz fuck off..y muz u be sad?..she doesn't even care that u r suffering inside..pls lor..like u said, it's her nature..it's difficult to change sumone, n look, u r tempted to go back to ur old ways..matters cud haf gone worse sia..who noes she has another guy behind u?..it's juz not worth ur pain over all these..there's more to life..
Him : She's changing i guess, but i don't feel the same..
Me : Hmm..wat do u mean by u don't feel the same?..
Him : I'm not gonna change..u noe how much i love her..haiz..only u noe..
Me : Yah..i noe u love her alot..if u wanna change, i'm not gonna let u..i swear i will leave u if u do..n don't tink my absence will make any difrens in ur life..
Him : Yes, i dare u to leave me..u r the most important person in my life..if u leave me, u can never c me around again..
Me : Hmmm..u r mad..it's juz not worth doing like that to yourself cos of me..haiz..r we not fated to be together?
Me : Haiz..nvm..i don't need u to answer me cos i aredi noe the answer the day u left me for W***..now i'm single, so i can luv u whole-heartedly..when i'm attached, u can't expect me to shower u wif 100% care & concern..but i will still love u..nitez my baby..muackz..i miss u sooo much..
The next morning..which is today..
Him : Y u say like that?..u oso wanna leave me eh..
Me : No lor..i will never ever leave u..it's juz that, u noe, u cannot haf 2 gerls at the same time..
Him : Hmm..u haf sumone else in mind eh?..
Me : Yah..and the person is u..and i'm juz sad that the person in his mind is not me.. :(
Him : Don't tok rubbish..u, i haf this extraordinary feelings for u lah..hard to describe..i luv u that's for sure..
Me : I noe u love me..but love me as a?..love me, but u r wif another gerl?..i reali don't understand..haiz..
Him : I tot we clarified our problem aredi rite..i noe u r hurt..u noe wat we r..
Me : But till when u want us to be like this?..no strings attached huh..till u find the girl of ur dreams, till u find sumone that truly loves u..the day u r married to that gerl, u r married to that gerl, u obviously won't need me anymore..then me?..
Him : K i won't ever break ur heart..we r best of frens, bro n sis, lovers..knight n princess..we r evrything..we share joys n sorrows together..i won't get married if u don't approve..
Him : I will need u each n every day..mark my words..there is not a day i will leave u alone..
Me : But at the end of the day, do i still c u n me together?..
Him : Dear..don't tok about this..u r my lifeline if u wanna noe..that's y every single thing i tell u..
Me : Nvm..i truly understand wat's going on now..
Him : Wat?..no u don't..cos i noe u r depressed rite now..dear..please..
Me : I understand that loving sumone doesn't mean u haf to be wif that person..i understand, but doesn't mean i can accept it..nvm..i will try to live wif it..
Him : U don't tink too much lah..juz like u told me too..dear, life live to the fullest the way we are now..
Me : Ok..i will..
Him : So i guess ur feelings for me change aredi..
Me : No..i still love u as much..
Things will never be the same again..
Wishing for a rainbow @ 10:50 AM