Sunday, December 12, 2004
What's playing : 'Never Be Replaced' by 1st Ladi
*Btw, i juz find this song so sweet & touching, especially the background effect*
Juz finished chatting wif MM on the fone..talked as usual; about his fren who juz came back from Malacca..about wat he did the whole day..his tomoro..his coming burfday..and of cos..W..
I cried after we ended our conv..it's not about W fortunately..acheli i donoe y i cried..i juz cried..ok i tink it was partly cos of W..& sumthing else..it has been a long time since tears escaped my eyes..& it's reali running like tap water now..
I was viewing my whole relationship wif him..i haf been sacrificing..& i meant reali sacrificed alot..didn't he see it?..i haf been very patient when it comes to him toking about W..i don't haf the heart to tell him to stop toking about how he misses W & all that..
Heart pain..because, one, he is suffering deep inside..& secondly, he 'overlooked' me who haf been there for him all these while..
I guess this proverb says it all : "Should I smile because he's my friend, or cry because that's all he is?"
I'm celebrating his burfday on the 17th rite..guess wat?..he suggested celebrating it in my house..i shud be glad rite..so wat's wrong then?..but..wif my sickening bro & all that..aaaaaaaaaa..i reali want to spend some quiet time wif him, but he doesn't seem to be interested..*sigh*
And deep inside of me, i haf this slight feeling that he dowan us to be spotted together in public..i noe i'm being pessimistic, but, i'm juz stating a possibility..cos i remembered that day when i met him at Bugis when he was wif his frens, he told me not to acknowledge him, which i agreed to cos i was kinde 'shy' too..
I asked him juz now, "Wat if i did the same thing like how W did to u?.."..he said that he's gonna be lost..definitely..
It seems as if i'm the only one he's clinging on for support..but..argh..u all shud noe wat i'm trying to say..if he loves me, why is he wif W?!?!?!..haiz haiz haiz..
If i'm a heartless person, i can leave him now; the period of time when he needed a confidant the most..i will not pick up his calls..reply his smses..but too bad i'm not..& for me not being cruel to him means being cruel to myself..isn't it?..then i guess i haf to carry on hurting myself & pretend as if nothing happened..
I tink i haf to start listening to people's advices for my own good..but then again, heeding them means hurting poor MM..& i reali don't haf the heart to do it..Yeah Rara..continue hurting urself juz to make others happy will ya..
And after doing some finding & analysis, my conclusion is that, me & MM, we are impossible..yeah..the truth hurts, but i haf to accept it..*sob sob*
So for now, my mindset has to be 'nurtured', bearing in mind that me & MM are impossible..it's gonna take a long time, i noe..but i did it before didn't i?..damn..i'm such a strong gerl..hee..
So i hope i can do it the second time round..best of luck to you Rara..
But for now, to my precious Baby Huey a.k.a MM that i love so much, i want u to noe that u will always haf me to rely on & i'll stand by u whenever u need sumone..i promise u that i will be by ur side regardless of my status wif u..
"I'll always be beside you until the very end, wiping all your tears away, being your best friend. I'll smile when you smile and feel all the pain you do, and if you cry a single tear, I promise I'll cry too."
Wishing for a rainbow @ 1:00 AM