What's playing : 'Kiss From A Rose' by Seal
Wondered y i'm happy?..hehe..cos..i juz chatted wif MM on the fone..>.<..i mean, it's like..HELLO..it's aredi like early morning & he still call me..i was searching for new blogskins while ending my MSN conv wif Din & sending a Friendster message to MM, when suddenly he called me on my henfon..it was around 3..& we chatted till 3.50 i guess..i find it cute to tink that we tot of each other at about the same time..haha..
Alrite enuf of that..before i start evrything, for those who haf been dying to hear updates from me about my relationship wif MM, well here goes..we broke up..need i repeat?..WE BROKE UP..it's over..but guess wat?..i'm happy..sincerely & honestly speaking, i'm reali very happy..so Qian, hope u can stop saying that i'm trying to forge a smile or faking a laughter, cos i m reali happy..u will noe y later on..
Remembered on my previous entry that i stopped sumwhere saying i was reali in love wif him?..yeah..at that time, we both were very sweet to each other..he wud sms me sweet smses early in the morning after sahur..or call me up before he went to skool..& he neve failed to call me every nite..
So on this particular Saturday, he suddenly told me he's gonna post my pics up on Friendster..i was like 'Wat the hell?!?!'..i mean, he was still attached to Yaya for goodness sake..wat will his gf tink sia?..i dowan the cause of their break-up to be me..but guess wat?..they aredi broke up..so i was officially his gf the next day..
The problem came after this gerl, W entered..i'm not gonna call her slut anymore btw..W likes him so much..she's a playgirl, flirting wif any guys that she came across..& W fell for MM..so when she got to noe that MM has a Friendster account, she started messaging him there..i read those messages cos MM gaf me his password..but MM told me, if ever the contents of the messages hurt me, he was sorry..
And yeah..it sort of did hurt me..alrite..i admit..it hurts me alot..i mean, which gerl wudn't?..it wasn't jelesy..it was pure heartache..i was like watching this gerl flirting wif my guy rite in front of my eyes, & MM seems to be responding on some occasions..i cudn't take it when on one particular message, W mentioned about me, asking MM, who is Rara (me), & W was asking whether MM is playing wif her or true to her..sumthing like that..
So i requested to meet up wif him..which i blogged about in one of my previous entries..
After that day, smses got lesser & lesser..sumtimes only once a day..sumtimes once in 2 days..& calls..oh my god lor..there was a point of time when we neve chat on the fone for one week..haiz..aredi neve meet..call oso cannot..damn..come to tink of it, i juz realised that in a relationship, it was always the gerl calling up the guy rite?..oops..gosh..he was always the one calling me up sia..haha..okok watever..it's over aredi..
Then one day, i realised that W changed her Friendster's main pic to MM's pic..arghhh..heart damn pain i tell u..no one noes how was i feeling at that point of time..& furthermore, that pic was obviously taken from his profile cos i was the one who uploaded the pic for him, so meaning, MM doesn't haf a soft-copy of that pic erh..wat the hell lor this W..at that time, i reali felt like slapping her face..but, i was very patient..i wanted to c wat's next..
So wat's next?..
Then Rai told me that her fren, who's of the same skool as MM & W, always saw MM & W together during lunch..going home together..oh well..i expected it..but one thing i cannot 'digest' was, W has a boyfren?!?!..oh my godz lor..she has a boyfren & she's still flirting wif MM?!?!..damn..ok that was nothing..i still wanna c how far will these 2 'lovebirds' go..all along during these time, whenever MM smses me, i pretended as if nothing happened..tok to him as usual..i tink i can win the Best Actress Award sia..
K wat's next???..
The taking down of pics from his profile..i donoe y, but this action of his made a great impact on me..i was crying like hell..i reali donoe y..cos i tink i suddenly c it for myself i guess..it was time to do sumthing about it..if he wanna break-up wif me, it's better for him to tell me directly than to make me discover myself rite???
The next day after work, i met Wan for an hour or so..i was deciding whether or not to call MM..i practiced my speech in front of Wan..can't believe that i acheli cried a bit while practicing..damn i'm such a crybaby man..haiz..Wan helped me call MM's house, but he wasn't at home..i messaged MM, asking where was he..after his reply (yah he replied my sms..), i told him to call me once he reached home cos i wanna discuss about sumthing..instead, he told me to message him once i get back home..
I reached home, washed up & evrything..then i messaged him..not long after, he called me on my henfon..he sounded kinde stern..but my intention wasn't altered..first thing i said was, "U wanna break up wif me rite?..if u want juz say so..bla bla bla.."..i didn't gif him a chance to speak..i was crying lor..i told him evrything..about W's Friendster message..W putting up his pic on her profile..our distancing..the lesser & lesser calls & smses..& lastly, his meaning of putting down my pics from his profile..then he told me he wanna say sumthing to me oso..so he requested to call up my home fone..i was very nervous..
"Rara..sorry for treating u like this"..
His first few words..i cried more lor..haiz..then we had a heart-to-heart conv..for every few sentences i spoke, he apologized..i was like..argh!!!..he said he still love me, & he noes i love him too..he noes huh..but he still do these to me..he said he noes that loving him is hurting me too..we both cried on the fone sia..summarizing our conv, we decided to break up..in peace..
"Rara..can we still be as before?..as godsibs?..i still love you..i need you"..
Man..i cried even more..suddenly all these came to me like a re-enacted thingy..it was almoz the same wif godbro..gaf me so much hope..but half-way thru, came a point of 'realisation' that we are not gonna be possible, so it was better to remain as frens or sibs or wateve fucking shit..it's like, they made me fall, & wham..i fell, but nobody ever tried to catch me fall..after that, they still dowana 'release' me..i had no choice but to agree rite???..RITE?!?!..yeah i'm correct..arh watever..wat's done cannot be undone..
But wateve it is, it was difren wif MM..sumhow or rather, it was..i knew despite all these shit, he love me still..i juz knew..these 3 months, he haf grown emotionally attached to me..i was his confidant..his sister..his fren..his counsellor..his advisor...i was his pillar of support..he got so used to me & depended alot on me..
I tink i was 'sent' to him to shower him wif the love, care &amp;amp;amp;amp; concern he lacked of; his parent's & siblings' love..i fell in love wif his inner..the other side of him..there was sumthing about him, a tinge of innocence, that made me vow to myself that i will not leave him no matter wat..unless he wanted me out of his life..i loved him like a mother loving her son..a big sister loving her bro..a wife loving her husband..a lot of patience needed..i noe..
However bad the son always treat his mum, she will always forgif him willingly no matter wat..how much a bro hates her sis, he will still be her bro..it was the same for me..how much MM hurts me, i will still love him..
And rite now, after the break-up, we juz got closer to each other..neve failed to sms me atleast once a day..called like once in 2 days..i noe u all muz be tinking, "Chey..sms only..call only..doesn't mean he love u lor.."..but, aren't these small little things the ones that portrayed that u r constantly remembered?..that u crossed his mind for once?..he smsed u..called u..meaning he thought of u..i learnt to appreciate small little things now..it's ok we cudn't meet that often..& him calling me 3 a.m. in the morning..doesn't it show anything?..
So Qian, if u wanna noe wat i'm happy about, this is it..i'm contented wif the way things are going on for me..i was sad..initially..but wat more cud i ask for?..atleast i can love him from afar..so i reali hope that u will believe me..i am reali happy..please don't say that i'm trying to hide my feelings..i won't ever do that..
I noe u all muz be tinking that i'm f***ing stupid..i noe i am..but i don't care..i noe he haf hurt me alot..i deserve a better guy..but i guess when sumone hurt u more, u tend to love that person more..that's stupidity..but it's the truth huh..
So..if u all still wanna noe whether i still love him, i do..wif my heart & soul..my love for him neve diminished despite all these..i guess only me & him understand fully wat's going on between us..so i hope u all don't 'tarnish' the love i haf for him..it's pure..& true..